Hope and Megan's Home Page

i know its a short month, but how can february already almost be over? im not really complaining, though, because the end of february means almost DST again and almost the first day of spring and almost the end of (well, in theory, not always in practice) this freaking cold that i am so TIRED of. its about now each year when i begin to long for simple things--putting on shoes without deciding what socks to wear; being able to shave off some time getting out the door because theres no coats/scarves/mittens; feeling a little more free in the car because said winter wear isnt making me feel like randy from a christmas story; knowing that i can just go out and get in the car and not have to warm it up to remove frost or ice. you see, i can be a simple person, as not having to worry about any of those things makes me really happy. br /br /i have sucked at baby updates and really at any talk related to Berry. part of it is laziness, but its also more complicated than that. isnt it always? to procrastinate a little more, theres something ive spent way too much time thinking about and im looking to make some sense of it. SO, i dont need a label, but im wondering what you call yourself when youre not technically infertile yet getting a take home baby has been a problem. you can get pregnant, but have trouble staying that way. [let me say now for people i dont see on TTC sites that knock on wood, everything is okay at the moment with this pregnancy] br /br /adding another layer this to is that whatever you call this, it would be secondary _________. we have one kid. we got her fairly easily, something we are even more grateful and thankful for given what its taken to get this far with #2. i know no matter what i say about anger, bitterness and devastation regarding our 3 losses, i can take comfort in having one child. but that doesnt erase the pain of november 2007-november 2008. yet its a different pain than going through 12 months of, say, all negative pregnancy tests. of never seeing that second line appear.br /br /and now were 12w4d along and im feeling displaced again. hope is knocked up with what *may* be a keeper and it still doesnt feel real. well, real to me, maybe. im not the one suffering from nausea and migraines that cannot be properly medically treated because the meds are questionably toxic to inside babies. miscarriages and ectopics do not equate to infertility, but one similarity, i think, is the wondering why this is happening and whats making it happen. the need for answers is overwhelming, and it only hurts more when there are no clear medical reasons for infertility or recurrent losses. to now be pregnant and approaching the second trimester makes me feel like a fraud among my in/subfertile friends, yet i am still no where near taking that extra deep breath of relief. we met with our new OB last week when hope was almost 12 weeks, and at one point NewDoctor made a comment about how, at this point, our risk is for miscarriage is quite small. i kept silent because it was the first time meeting this woman and i didnt want her to think i was a total and utter freak. but when those words came out of her mouth i wanted to shush her, wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and say lalalalala, i cannnnnt heaaaaar you. i know she was *trying* be to helpful, but frankly, the whole youve made it X far and the risk for X is greatly decreased means nothing to me. nothing. people on our due date boards on FF are still losing babies. its a very strange feeling to still be on the other side of those postings. to still be part of the group and not being the one saying goodbye.br /br /and....i guess i sort of got to the complicated nature of writing pregnancy updates here....but ill have to finish later because nap time is over for quinn and the living room is a scary toddler disaster that should be cleaned up before hope comes home.

today would have been the EDD of the ectopic pregnancy. our imbolc baby. i really loved the imbolc connection and now i really hate that its a day that people who care take note of. and despite the awful andie macdowell, i love the movie Groundhog Day. now it sort of feels like salt in the wound. maybe by next year it wont sting as much. being knocked up on an EDD is better than the opposite, ill give you that. but it all sucks donkey balls.

a name=cutid1/aat 4:00 today is our first knocked up appt with the RE and our first ultrasound.nbsp; hopefully today we will know if this looks like a viable pregnancy.nbsp; i am trying to imagine a happy scene innbsp;an u/s room.nbsp; trying really hard.nbsp; trying to erase all those other thoughts.nbsp; and i am blatantly begging for good mojo thoughts.

crazy talk about baby-related gear belowbr /br /a name=cutid1/amy thriftiness wins over my jinx fear, and im looking for any advice on sit and stand type strollers.nbsp; all willing, well have a newborn and a 3.33 year old in august.nbsp; we currently have a basic maclaren stoller that has served us well for how we use it (zoo, COSI, mall--not daily use).nbsp; while ttc #2, ive briefly looked and considered double strollers, but quickly ruled out traditional types, because quinn doesnt love to be contained and i figured it would be a waste.nbsp; i secretly covet the a href=http://www.philandteds.com/classic_index.htmphil and teds/anbsp;because people i know who have them LOVE them and hey, they are cool looking.nbsp; but we, um, cant spend multiple hundreds of dollars on a stroller.nbsp;nbsp;br /br /a sit amp; stand stroller seems to be a good bet.nbsp; quinn could have more physical freedom and all that.nbsp; i think span class=ljuser lj:user=thatpatti style=white-space: nowrap;a href=http://thatpatti.livejournal.com/profileimg src=http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif alt=[info] width=17 height=17 style=vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px; //aa href=http://thatpatti.livejournal.com/bthatpatti/b/a/spannbsp;posted quite a while back about how much she preferred the Joovy to the B*by Tr*nd Sit and Stand, despite the joovy being more expensive.nbsp; im okay with spending more money on something that is inherently a better product, buuutttttt, i was at t*rget today, and its time for the annual baby crap clearance event.nbsp; the sit and stand (BT brand) they carry retails for $130, and they have it for $65.br /br /i dont WANT to buy anything right nownbsp;that presumes there will be a babynbsp;in this house.nbsp; nbsp;but id have 3 months to return it if need be.nbsp; i mean, the buying would already be done, so the potential jinx would be done, too.nbsp; but at least i could get my money back, you know?nbsp; it looks like a couple of people are sellingnbsp;another brand of sit and stand (gr*co) on cr*igslist, and used, they are going for $25-30.nbsp; so theres always that possibility, too.br /br /wwyd?nbsp; wait and see what we can score on cr*igslist?nbsp; buy the B*by Tr*nd at t*rget?nbsp; hold out for a joovy (new or used)?nbsp; forget a stroller to accomodate 2 because it would be a sometimes-conveneince, and certainly not a necessity?

i forgot to update here....but we got GOOD beta news on friday--it doubled, with even a little extra. weve had zero extra in terms of staying knocked up, so you know, even a tiny bit of cushion is so nice. the 18DPO beta was 637 and the 20DPO betas was 1525. i think those are my new favorite numbers.br /br /no further betas are scheduled, and the first ultrasound is scheduled for january 22nd, which in theory will be 8 weeks. which means there should be a heartbeat, and if there isnt, thats probably bad. br /br /were supposing if things are good, well be released from the RE. we dont have a new OB picked out yet, and right now im living in the catch-22 that is maybe needing to schedule an appointment relatively soon while not wanting to even call any offices for fear of that forward movement jinxing us. br /br /if you continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers, i promise to reciprocate with my own and with chocolate chip cookies.

for so many people i know, 2008 has been teh suck. seriously, some major wires got crossed in happy universe land. there have been dead babies. many, not just ours. some friends have dealt with a parent dying. some have dealt with ongoing illnesses in parents and grandparents. several of us have lost dear animals. for me personally, some happy family moments of new babies have been marred by the lack of our baby to join them. many of my friends have dealt with sadness and depression this past year.br /br /i am thankful for several points of hope that have transpired since january 08. br /br /but overall, i am happy to see this year go.br /br /may 2009 bring clarity and kindness to us all.

okay, good news from the RE. hope had a blood draw yesterday, which was 18DPO (or 4w4d, but im not quite ready to go there yet). nurse from the REs called with the results: 637!br /br /i know this still doesnt mean anything solid--we still have to see that number double, and then if it does, we need to see something growing, and then we need to see something continue to grow for the next long while. were only a few steps into the woods, and they are quite dense and who knows when well be close to seeing the other side. or if well make it to the other side.br /br /but this is the best beta number weve ever had, so i am holding on it for now. right now, at this moment, things look good.br /br /tomorrow will be the next draw to see if the number is doubling, but we wont get results until friday.br /br /thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. thankyouthankyouthankyou.

i think many of the folks who may be reading here also read span class=ljuser lj:user=hopemcg style=white-space: nowrap;a href=http://hopemcg.livejournal.com/profileimg src=http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif alt=[info] width=17 height=17 style=vertical-align: bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px; //aa href=http://hopemcg.livejournal.com/bhopemcg/b/a/spannbsp;and already saw her post regarding potentially good a href=http://hopemcg.livejournal.com/276751.html target=_blanknews./anbsp; br /br /but if you havent seen hopes post and didnt just click on it, we got a + HPT.nbsp; on the solstice.nbsp; the day after some a href=http://logie-hoagie.blogspot.com/2008/12/shes-here.html target=_blankgood friends/anbsp;experienced the birth of their second baby.nbsp; br /br /for one week weve been living with this tentative news.nbsp; we did tell my mom, dad, brother and SIL (and SILs mother, long story) when we were in my hometown over the holiday.nbsp; insanely early, but 1.) i figured, wtf?nbsp; none of them received any news about our last twonbsp;pregnancies untilnbsp;they were overnbsp;(and then, it was only my mom i told) and 2.) the only other time we announced so early to anyone outside of online friends and our donor and his DP was the pregnancy that became quinn.nbsp; and id really like to get back as much as that mojo as possible.nbsp; they were surprised, i think, and my mom said several times that shed keep quiet so she doesnt jinx anything.br /br /the pee sticks are getting darker and tomorrow well probably have beta #1 done (it will be 18DPO), but not until late in the day, so no results until tuesday.nbsp; im walking some fine line between trying to pretend like none of this is going on so that if it goes away it may not drive me to the breaking point and trying to quell nervous excitement that on this 4th attempt, it may really work.br /br /once again i am asking for your prayers and positive thoughts or meditations.nbsp; we seriously need all the help we can get.

in some LJ post 45647823 years ago i wrote about the profundity of changing the water filter every 2 months or so. no, really. when its time to switch out the filter, i often think about where i was in life when i put in that last one, and i wonder what my life will look like when its time for yet another filter.br /br /so, taking stock, 2 months ago:br /*we were working on quinns doctor costume for halloweenbr /*it hadnt snowed and was still pretty warm outbr /*carter, the neighbors cat who was sent outside to live, was still living outside, but in our yard/on our stoop (he has moved inside our house now....he needs a forever home....)br /*hope hated her job less, i thinkbr /*quinn was not potty trained (shes 90% there now...still having some trouble with accidents)br /*we had a positive pregnancy test, but within a week it would become negative br /br /last night i realized that had the ectopic not been an ectopic, that wed be within 8 weeks of a due date, and probably within 5-6 weeks of a birth date. it was a sobering moment.br /br /the first cycle following octobers chemical pregnancy was a no-go. today is 1 day past ovulation for this cycle. which means, yes, that right around all of the winter celebrations is when well either get some potentially really, really good news, or...well, shitty news. gotta love that. so i am asking for quiet and positive thoughts and/or prayers that maybe this time things will work out. it is the twelfth month of the year, and the twelfth cycle of trying to have baby #2. this process is so draining--hoping each month, going through the disappointment and bittnerness, and then the necessary moving on.br /br /its probably clear what i hope for two months from today. if it cant be my first wish, then i hope for a variation on the theme, and for a slightly-less-further-along pregnant wife.